Michael Jordan's Space Jam from November 15, 1996, is a terrible movie. This is my review of said travesty. The theme song was written by the geniuses of Electric Mayhem from The Muppets. It's not that I dislike Michael Jordan The God of Basketball, but he was a terrible actor and an even worse director; this movie is proof. I don't know if it's just me or what, but the film seems to be very short in length and I'm not sure how I feel about that personally because there are so many things wrong with Space Jam that need fixing ASAP.
Michael Jordan starts off by going on a rant about how he does not have a gambling problem, then his agent tells him of some Russian mobster who want Michael dead. He goes after them armed with only a basketball. Now, this is where my review gets good! This scene has no point whatsoever just like the rest of the film. The film then shows us the various skills MJ possesses such as shooting and dribbling while being chased down through an alleyway which leads into our first actual plot development in Space Jam.
The next thing we see involves Bill Murray trying to stop Ghostbusters 3 from being made seven years after Ghostbusters 2. His plan? To summon Garfield The God of Lasagna! I'm allergic to lasagna so I found this scene very offensive and very problematic.
It was all downhill until they showed up at Madison Square Garden, but it didn't get any better when Michael Jordan appeared on stage wearing a tight red turtleneck with a fur coat. Doesn't he care about the animals?! Doesn't he know that fur is murder?! I would have preferred if he wore a nice sweater vest instead. But, I digress; let's continue with my movie review!
Michael then tries his hand at stand up comedy at Madison Square Garden but it's pretty much terrible, so he goes back home where his agent tells him that a Russian mobster has hired assassins who are going to kill Michael Jordan, unless he gets $10 million dollars in 48 hours. So, Michael heads off to Las Vegas in a convertible with his lawyer Wayne Knight the fat guy from Seinfeld. While driving there, Michael's trunk is filled with various kinds of drugs including cocaine and heroin! This scene confused me because it is inappropriate for a children's movie. Anyway once Michael and Wayne get to Las Vegas we meet Eddie Murphy playing his iconic character Axel Foley.
Eddie plays an undercover cop who wants nothing more than to take down the Russian mafia with the help of his partner Wayne Campbell played by Mike Myers. Their informant is Campbell's best friend Dana Carvey as Garth Algar. Michael and Wayne Knight head over to a casino and find out who the Russian mob boss is. It turns out it is none other than the Barkley Shut Up and Jam master himself, Charles Barkley. They confront Chuck and he summons Muggsy Bogues, Shawn Bradley, Patrick Ewing, and Larry Johnson.
This leads into the next plot development in Space Jam. In the beginning, we saw how bad MJ could be as an actor. Now in this part of Space Jam, we see how horrible of a director MJ can be. He hires the Harlem Globetrotters to write the script for Space Jam. Then we see why Space Jam sucks so much cock.
In this segment Wayne Knight the fat guy from Seinfeld is killed by Charles Barkley, Muggsy Bogues, Shawn Bradley, Patrick Ewing, and Larry Johnson right in front of MJ. That was brutal to watch as I am not fond of overweight people dying in movies due to how fatphobic they are. The film then shows us the funeral and MJ vows to stop Charles Barkley, Muggsy Bogues, Shawn Bradley, Patrick Ewing, and Larry Johnson. Space Jam then decides to drop the Russian mob plot and focus on MJ. Now we finally have an actual plot in place.
The next thing we see involves MJ having trouble sleeping. He dreams about hitting Bill Murray with a golf club on a golf course for denying the public Ghostbusters 3. He then wakes up shirtless in bed. He then sees Bill Murray on TV saying that the reason Ghostbusters 3 hasn't been made yet is because he doesn’t want to do another one. This reminds MJ of his baseball career in 1993.
MJ then thinks about what he did wrong. He just wanted to be the God of all sports as we get a closeup of Michael Jordan crying. I'm really starting to feel sorry for him at this point in Space Jam as a song by R. Kelley is played in the background as MJ cries. It would be an Oscar worthy scene if Space Jam was an actual good movie but alas we know that isn't the case. We then see MJ on a talk show where he talks about the rumors surrounding Shaquille O'Neal being a genie in a boom box.
We then see MJ in a recording studio as the soundtrack to the film is being worked on in THE MIDDLE of the movie. Now, the songs in the film are all done by R. Kelley and Seal. Now, while the music in the film is pretty catchy and entertaining, the fact remains that the tracks in the movie were recorded in the middle of the fucking movie. The film then shows us the creation of the characters in the film. I hated this part because I don't want to see how a movie is made in the middle of the movie I'm watching.
Then we see the first draft of the film being written by the Harlem Globetrotters while on cocaine. Now, it is my belief as a reviewer and critic that this was highly inappropriate for the children who watched the film. What has become of this once great country? Why have we allowed the film industry to deteriorate so much? How many more of our children will have to suffer from the effects of Hollywood?
Now, the film then shows us the climax of the film which involves Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls versus the Chicago Bulls from 2026. A team made up of cyborgs from 30 years into the future. I yelled at the film as my Gen Z significant other looked at me like a crazy person because they didn't understand the significance of Michael Jordan. Bill Murray is seen as a replacement for one of MJ's team members. I then had to explain to my Gen Z significant other as to who Bill Murray is.
I then realized the film is very short in length. The film then ends with Michael making the last dunk and winning the game. The film then shows us the ending with Michael Jordan in bed with a beautiful and sexy woman. He then yells Space Jam at the top of his lungs as he ejaculates inside of her. The film then fades to black.
The film is very short in length and is a travesty to films in general. Michael is a terrible actor and a worse director. The film has no point and is a waste of time. The film is a product of the 90s and is the worst movie ever made. The film is a disgrace to the basketball community and should never exist. I give Space Jam a 0/10!
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