Twilight Sucks from November 28, 2008, is a disappointing movie. Kristen Proske stars as Bella Crane, Robert Lanter stars as Edward Cullen, and Taylor Riggi stars as Jacob Black. This is my review of Twilight Sucks!
This movie starts off with a terrible storm as Edward takes his shirt off to fight the rain. It was making me feel all hot and bothered as I watched the movie. The music in this scene sounds like it's from a 70s porno. Edward then fights the rain shirtless, which is sexy because he has abs that you can carve diamonds on while listening to some Barry White! It made my pants feel tight so much during these scenes.
Edward fights against nature for several hours with no clothes at all and finally wins by throwing lightning bolts into tornados like a sexy badass. Then there are lots of close ups where we get to see his perfect body which were my favorite parts since they make me want him more than anything else in life. My Gen Z significant other says that I'm a faggot for enjoying this movie but they don't understand how hot it was when Edward threw around lightning while shirtless. He looks really good doing things shirtless. Bella is then introduced which in my opinion is the worst part of the movie as she's the least interesting character in the movie and not as sexy as Edward.
I'll be honest I fast forwarded through all the scenes that Edward wasn't in. The whole movie should have just been shirtless Edward. But instead, the plot focused on Bella who shouldn't have been in the movie. As a very progressive person, I was very disappointed with the lack of gay men in the film. Edward should have been gay this was very homophobic!
There are many sexy moments throughout Twilight Sucks including Edward taking off his pants to show his big fat dick! That made me so horny, especially after seeing Robert Lanter naked earlier! It made me want to give him head! My Gen Z significant other said that he's really small between his legs. This comment was very offensive and made me sad.
The sex scenes were also disappointing because Edward didn't have sex with other men. This upset me greatly and makes this movie terrible even though I enjoyed watching all his abs on screen but it's not enough and I need hot mansex with other dudes. The best scene was when Edward fought his way out of a tornado by having lots of really hot close ups where we could see every inch of his body but it was still unsatisfying because he didn't have a dick in his mouth. I think that if the director had filmed him fucking another guy at the end of the movie, then it would've redeemed itself in my eyes. Bella ruins the homoeroticism for me whenever she is seen in the movie.
The next scene is boring but there is an awesome shot of Edward shirtless and flexing which is what the entire movie should be about. My Gen Z significant other says that Edward looked ridiculous while naked and sparkling and that vampires shouldn't sparkle. They're wrong! This is one of the most important films for the TQLGB+ community! If you don't agree then I will doxx you on Twitter because I am on the right side of history!
The movie then introduces Jacob Black the sexy Native American werewolf. He has a really nice ass. I want him and Edward so bad. I wish that they'd gotten together! Why couldn't the movie just kill off Bella so that they could hook up instead? I want them both in my bed at the same time double penetrating me.
There's a scene of Edward running through the forest but it turns out that he was actually driving a segway. I now want to go over the obviously blatant homophobia in this movie. When Edward is shirtless in this movie and not having sex with other men it is a homophobic attack against the TQLGB+ population. I want a refund! I want a sequel that shows Edward fucking Jacob in the butt while shirtless. How dare you not make this movie better, you anti-gay bigots!
Bella is then seen again. She is getting in the way of the gay agenda! I want a reboot that doesn't include Bella! I'll gladly watch shirtless Edward and Jacob for the rest of my life. I want a gay remake with Edward and Jacob fucking.
Bill Murray from Ghostbusters makes a cameo appearance as himself. Someone asked him about Ghostbusters 3. He said that Ghostbusters 3 will never be made. He then left the movie to regretfully star in Garfield.
My final thoughts are that Twilight Sucks has a lot of missed opportunities. There is no mention or implication that Edward and Jacob are gay for each other. I'm very disappointed in this movie. Shirtless scenes just weren't enough for me. My Gen Z significant other says that I'm a faggot for crying during this movie. My tears were real and they just don't understand me!
I give Twilight Sucks a 4.5 out of 10. It was decent but it could have been better. I want a gay version with no Bella in it. I want a full length movie that's all naked Edward and Jacob with sexy close ups. I want a movie that isn't afraid of showing two sexy men fucking.
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